“The Hop It”

At last, the long-requested prequel to the worldwide insurance blockbuster “Laird of the Rings.” Those who know the story only from the earlier movies are well acquainted with underwriter trainee Rick Laird's epic journey to recover and return the legendary ring of diamond to its rightful place, braving the direst threats of dark appraisers and evil floater settlement clauses.

Now learn how the ring came to be lost, and how the fateful journey by famed adjuster William Bowe Baggage (known to his friends as “Mr. Claim”), became the origin of today's common idiom, “Lost items? Talk to Baggage Claim.” And although it will become tediously clear that adjuster marching songs were as endlessly droning as today, you'll find yourselves days after the final credits roll still humming the jaunty theme, “Good Golem, Miss Mollem!” Hop it, indeed!

“Harry Potts and the Producer's Stone”

Harry appears to be a normal child, but has always sensed he is somehow different than the relatives who adopted him after the mysterious disappearance of his parents following Harry's birth. On his 21st birthday, he finally learns the jarring truth: He's the child of insurance agents who were crushed by company loss reserves following Hurricane Andrew.

His relatives, all investment bankers, resort to humiliation and intimidation to keep Harry from following in his parents' footsteps, at one point locking him in a closet stocked with nothing but bread, water and back issues of Barrons. But with the help of a friendly underwriter named Hagar, Harry escapes and is soon off to a producer school at HogDarts Insurance Co. There, among other producers, for the first time Harry feels normal.

This tale of his studies of arcane and oft-forgotten policy forms (such as the 1943 New York Standard Fire Policy), as well as his discovery of the great and noble game of Bonk the Adjuster, soon sends Harry on his way to numerous exciting adventures and sales opportunities.

“True Flood”

Along the Gulf coast of America lies a world where opulent habitats and casinos stand side by side with drowsy fishing villages and endless marsh and beach. Yet let a hurricane roar ashore and you'll discover therein lurks a world of mystery and magical thinking known to locals as the Flood Zone.

Existing somewhere between a howling wind and rising tides, the denizens of this zone may seem perfectly normal to casual observers, but locals know the truth: When it comes time to adjust the claim, the doors of hell itself are thrown wide and the monsters emerge. Soon they will separate into their ancient clans: Winders (pronounced like “window,”) who believe all power and might arises from the gales and gusts; True Flooders, who avow the source of any and all catastrophic loss arrives with the rushing tides; and Bloodsuckers, who arrive after disaster strikes, armed with deferrals, denials and obtuse and arcane reasons why whatever coverage you may think you have isn't.

Soon many insureds who thought themselves safely cocooned in a contract of protection and recovery find it to be more a tale of fairie than fairness. In an amazing twist at the end, viewers find the title refers not to the storm waters but to the devastating surge of wrongful claim lawsuits and E&O.

“Stat Wars: Return of the Actuaries”

Once ISO acquired the rights to the bottomless treasure trove that is the “Stat Wars” universe, was there any doubt the greatest insurance film of them all would soon return in glorious 3D? Put on those crazy ACV spectacles and prepare to relive the legendary story.

Long ago, in a marketplace far, far away, the insurance universe was governed by a quiet yet powerful group known as Actuaries. Although unknown to many, those in the industry knew the actuary's word was law. They alone could translate the Law of Large Numbers into practical, everyday rate calculations.

Only they, using their mystical arts, understood how to let go of their feelings and trust to the force of regressive analysis to guide their determinations. Their traditional greeting of, “May the rating bureaus be with you” comforted many who feared the devastating price wars oft said to have spelled the end of many a previous civilized market.

But a dark age dawned. Marketing departments with little knowledge and no interest in understanding the alchemic actuarial arts brushed aside the Actuaries as “sterile statisticians” or ridiculed their assumptions as unrealistic and unacceptable in an era when growth in market share and cash flow had become the new religion. Soon it seemed as if every form of insurance had become an “uncontrolled line” and coverage was expanded faster than new manuals could be issued. Harrowing experiments were conducted in formerly heretical theories like “replacement cost coverage,” “automatic” additional insured endorsements, “primary and noncontributory” agreements, and the most devastating of all—“all risk.”

At first these MBA-driven initiatives were hailed as the brave new world of a moribund industry finally throwing off the mundane shackles of making an actual underwriting profit for the glorious revenues of financial engineering. But soon an avalanche of catastrophic events cast these new aspiring venture capitalists into a tailspin of chaos and stock market panic. Who among us has not heard the horrific tales of never-to-be-repeated-yet-apparently-oft-repeated disasters: Hurricane Katrina; Superstorm Sandy; Colorado flooding; Hurricane Ike; Alabama tornadoes; Midwest flooding; Hurricane Wilma; Missouri tornadoes; Hurricane Charley; and assorted wildfires and earthquakes.

Soon, into the deepest recesses of even the most Wharton of the MBAs, a thought began to swirl and grow until it burst forth in an anguished cry: “Where are the Actuaries? Only the Actuaries can save us from ourselves! Only their sound rate tables can stabilize our revenues and results.” Even in the historically most oblivious of rate worlds—FEMA—was the cry heard: “We are drowning not in the waters of the Mighty Mississippi, but in floods of red ink! Create for us actuarially sound rates, that we may go forth and borrow from the Treasury no more!”

So once again a universe seeking order from chaos turns to the mystical Actuaries. But are any of those ancient Lords of the Lines still among us? Will even they be able be to return peace and stable pricing to the marketplace? Has the marketers' power been truly crushed, or does it merely slumber to rise again when the recent lessons so painfully learned have once more faded with flawed memory? Will the rulers of the Republic allow true actuarial rate adequacy, or hail the return of the Actuaries only to later attempt to roll back those reforms following a flood of protest levied by impacted insureds?

You will be glued to your seat as “Return of the Actuaries” bursts forth from your screen in astounding 3D! Soon you and your entire family will be chanting the Actuaries Prayer: “May the rates rise up to meet you; may your IBNR ever be in excess of your actual incurred losses; and may your trending render you ever solvent.”

These blockbusters will sell faster than an insurance carrier can raise year-end reserves. Get yours now for that special insurance agent friend. Happy holidays!