Simon: Not to be rude, but I didn't understand a word you sang! Your policy exclusions are total rubbish! All you seem to be selling me is the right to sue. Plus, nothing personal, but you're not likable at all, and that's a big part of your problem. In any case, this would never happen at Lloyd's of London. With respect, you Yanks just haven't gotten the hang of paying claims.

***

Ryan: Our next contestant is Robert P. Hartwig, president of the Insurance Information Insitute, singing a ballad about how the industry's limited federal antitrust exemption is misunderstood.

Randy: Man-o-man, you are a likable dude, you know, and the music sounds sweet, but in the record business, we'd never get away with the kind of stuff you insurers do, dawg. We can't hand a twinkie to a D.J. without getting slammed by the attorney general for antitrust.

Paula: I am a very trusting person, and you seem very trustworthy–so I trust you. But lots of people in your business don't project that same image, so maybe the antitrust exemption isn't such a good idea. I mean, we all have trust issues, right?

Simon: Can I be honest with you, sir? I simply don't buy your industry's song and dance! The bottom line is that I don't trust your business at all, and I'm not alone. I don't believe that the prices you charge are fair or reasonable, and I certainly can't take your word for it when you investigate a claim. Your people will twist policy language like a pretzel to keep from paying what they owe.

***

Ryan: Our next contestant is a trio of brokers from national firms singing “Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?” after losing their contingency fees following accusations of conflicts of interest.

Randy: That was really pitchy, guys! That song was all over the place, dawg. I'm just not feeling it, dude. They caught you all dead to rights with smoking-gun e-mails. You're gonna have to step it up if you expect to sing for your supper from now on.

Paula: It's all about song choice. If independent agents had performed that number, I would have been a lot more sympathetic, but from you mega-brokers, it just didn't ring true.

Simon: The good news is that Eliot Spitzer is the only man in America more obnoxious than me. The bad news is that I agree with everything he's said and done when it comes to you mega-brokers! You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You let your clients down. They're the ones paying the bills. You'll be voted off for sure.

***

Ryan: Last, but not least, is Greg Maciag, president of ACORD, singing a series of insurance standards:

Randy: Yo, dawg, you da bomb! If we didn't have standards in music, nobody would be able to play anyone else's songs. Orchestras would be in chaos. I don't know why more insurers don't listen to your tune, dude. You're literally trying to get everyone on the same page! More power to you!

Paula: I love standards, especially when Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett sing them. Plus you look so handsome. (Wipes way tears.) I could listen to you sing about insurance standards all night! You were that convincing.

Simon: With respect, I've heard this same song sung over and over and over again for years now. When will it end? I'm afraid your industry will never sing in harmony. Besides, standards are too cabaret…too Broadway…for this competition.

***

Sammy Idol: If America voted, there would probably be no “Insurance Idol”–not with Bob Hunter, insurance director for the Consumer Federation of America, doing his “Simon” imitation!

As for the real “American Idol,” it's clear we have a three-horse race here, with a trio of champion-caliber fillies running neck and neck! I think Melinda Doolittle could take it all, but wouldn't be surprised if either LaKisha or Stephanie Edwards ended up winning. The only shocker would be if these aren't the three people left standing around mid-May. If anyone other than these three win, the integrity of Idol is in serious jeopardy!

Who do you think will win the Idol crown this year?

(P.S. I was inspired to do “Insurance Idol” by Tom Singer of mlb.com, who did an article on Jan. 22 offering an Idol-like review of baseball's free agents, called “America's Pastime Idol.” If you're interested in checking that out, click here.)