It is high time that the claim profession climb aboard the bandwagon to portray the challenging, and often wacky, world of claims. Maybe 10 years hence, we will have 1,000 cable television channels. (Odds are, however, that I still will not be able to program my VCR.) Sandwiched between the Yodeling Channel and the Dental Floss Network may be Adjuster TV, channel 867. If so, here are some reality TV shows we can envision for such a futuristic network:

Clean Sweep Following the latest corporate reorganization plan, an insurer downsizes its claim staff under the guise of capturing “new synergies” endorsed by a management consultant It outsources claims to a low-bid vendor in Bangalore, India. The show depicts irate insureds who object to so-called service from an adjuster located 15,000 miles away. Repeat after me, “Hi, my name is Rajneesh and I'll be your adjuster today.”

The insurer still offers adjusting services at accident scenes but, unfortunately, it takes four days for the adjuster to reach the intersection due to the cost and availability of international flights and the need for advance immunizations. The insurer still insists that “Quality is Job One” and “Our Employees Are Our Most Valuable Assets!”

Extreme Makeover Only two days are left before the claim auditors arrive. The adjusting staff drops its current work to backfill claim files so that they will look nice for the auditors. Their efforts include progress notes, work sheets, and other niceties that auditors love. According to one claim wit, “Claim auditors are those who arrive after the battle to bayonet the wounded.” Time to add window-dressing! Accessorize the claim file! By the time the staff is finished, you would never recognize the original claim file. Current files are neglected and the natives are restless but, hey, you can't have everything, and at least we'll look good for the auditors. That's what's important, right?

The Apprentice Two competing teams of adjusters vie for pleasing the home office's vice president of claims. Their challenge is to credibly sell their claim services to consumers, agents, and brokers as a competitive differentiator when corporate has just cut the adjusting staff and slashed training budgets in half. The winning team gets a free seminar in writing fiction led by claim executives. The losing team must choose between hearing, “You're fired,” or wearing Donald Trump's comb-over for a day.

Amish in the City Amos and Rebecca are Amish teenagers who try to find OCIP coverage for a barn raising that they are planning in inner-city Detroit. They are shocked by its cost and seek equine rental reimbursement (a policy “rider”) after a street gang led by an Eminem look-alike hijacks their horse and buggy. Away from the farm, they learn that lawsuits are a quicker way to earn money than weaving quilts or selling roadside funnel cakes. Accordingly, they file a defamation lawsuit against Weird Al Yankovich for the way he portrays their religious group in his music video, Amish Paradise. Discussion question: Is such an action an insurable event under the advertising and personal injury portion of Weird Al's commercial general liability policy?

Real World Six Gen-X slackers are thrown together in busy claim department handling auto bodily injury assignments. They discover that they are not nearly so hip and fun when they have to awaken at 6:30 a.m. to do a J-O-B. Less time for hooking up, cruising bars, and spewing self-absorbed banter in front of the camera. Bummer, dude.

Who Wants to Marry My Actuary? This show aims to find a mate for the ultimate geekazoid. Best line by the cast: “An introverted actuary stares at his shoes while he's talking to you; an extroverted actuary looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.” Best actuary pickup line: “Have you heard of Bornheutter-Ferguson?”

Road Rules Follow a group of claim people as they attend an industry claim conference in Las Vegas. See them swarm the open bar and hospitality suites. Stalk them as they prowl the exhibit hall, looking for free trinkets from rehab and structured settlement vendors. No one remembers how the night ends, but all agree, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” A raffle drawing on the exhibit hall floor offers the winning conventioneer a free week at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Wife Swap Does a husband retain an insurable interest in the life of his wife once he swaps spouses with another family? Is she considered a permissible user of the family car under a personal automobile policy? Can he assign coverage (as well as domestic chores) to the substitute wife? Most important, can he pursue free agency and make an NFL-type trade for one of the hotties from Desperate Housewives? A panel of life insurance experts convenes on this show to vote and decide.

Survivor — Hurricane Alley Two tribes of adjusters camp out in southern Florida following a succession of hurricanes, as they live the life of cat adjusters. To win immunity, they must locate a cache of plywood and portable electrical generators. Workloads are high and the stress is cranked up. Adjusters who cannot get along with their chums are voted off the proverbial island. Those who win special contests earn immunity awards and are sent to the corporate home office, where, by definition, no one can do anything wrong.

Fear Factor Adjusters vie for prizes while seeking to face down their worst phobias. For some, it is inspecting water damage in creepy, dark crawlspaces. Others must negotiate injury claims with abrasive claimant attorneys. In one terrifying episode, an adjuster is strapped to a chair, deprived of voice mail, and forced to … answer a ringing phone.

Pimp My (Company) Ride Pimp Daddy Xzibit and the West Coast Customs crew turn raggedy company cars driven by adjusters into tricked-out pimp-mobiles. Adjusters take turns trying to outfit their company vehicles with spoilers, fins, and backseat hot tubs. Pretty fly for a claims guy.

I'd Do Anything … to Get Out of This Meeting Adjusters are yanked from their claim-handling duties and herded into impromptu management meetings to discuss the company's latest corporate strategic plan. There is no agenda, no ending time, and no specific action item. There are, however, plenty of Power Points and coffee mugs with the newest corporate inspirational mantra du jour. The executives later debrief and give each other high fives for jazzing up the troops. Adjusters miss their monthly productivity goals and are laid off during a re-engineering initiative.

Clear Eye for the Claim Guy: Puzzling coverage issues are assigned to teams of adjusters, who compete to reach the correct policy interpretation as quickly as possible. Deadlocked teams outsource their queries to legal counsel, who gravely advise, “It depends … .”

Last Adjuster Standing: Adjusters do stand-up comedy routines at Open Mike night to inebriated crowds at state claim association functions. Performers get rave reviews but, after six beers, anything sounds funny.

My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss: Do we really need to preview this one?

Gentlemen and gentlewomen, start your remote controls. Figure out how to program your VCRs or break down and get TiVo. Check your television sections for local times and listings. Offer a high-five to Peyton Manning for glamorizing our profession. Enjoy the show on Adjuster Reality TV.

When not watching reality TV, Kevin Quinley, CPCU, is senior vice president for Medmarc Insurance Group in Chantilly, Va. He can be reached at [email protected].